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Bravery

“Blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.”
— Luke 1:45

“You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that my love is bravery.
— Unknown

“Hello,” she said her voice slightly above a whisper, “my name is Beth and I struggle with depression.”

Depression is a daily struggle. There are days you can barely pull yourself out of bed but you do because you have children that need to go to school. Yesterday I declared war! Yesterday was my day one. I am a Woman of Strength and I will overcome this nasty disease once again.

I did 3 very important things yesterday.
1. I made a decision.
2. I asked for help.
3. I made a plan.

1. God gave me a friend. He also spoke to us. He wanted me to check in with her and he asked her to check in with me. This very small act on God’s word was the decision I made to make changes in my life. The decision that depression was not going to drown me.

2. I reached out to my friend as I could hear her words… Keep pushing. I also reached out to a professional and made an appointment. This is an important step. Asking for help gives you accountability. It gives you partners that will help in your healing. It will help you to build your plan, set goals, reach goals and overcome the plague.

3. My plan includes partners I have reached out to, journaling, medication and physical activity. Today is day 2 of my progress but day one of implementing the plan I made yesterday.

Don’t get me wrong; I very much want to stay in bed today and accomplish nothing but to immerse myself in my own grief, wallow in self pity and cover myself in self doubt. Overcoming depression is a very hard thing to do. Truthfully, I am easing into things today. I got out of bed as my middle child was leaving and got my oldest assessed with the stomach flu and back to bed and my youngest fed and off to school. I then ate breakfast while watching a favorite t.v. show, took my meds also during the show. When the show was over; I turned off my t.v. That is the big step. I then went up to my room to complete some items from my list. I read a chapter in my book, put away two baskets of clothing and cleaned off my office chair which is needed to do today’s physical activity. I am now taking a break by writing, editing, and posting this blog update while laying in bed.

My journey will be a long one but it is a journey I intend to share so that hopefully someone will be inspired to declare war for themselves as well. I am not going to promise a daily update because well, my life is a whirlwind. My husband is having major surgery in five days and will be in the hospital a week. I am hoping for a minimum of weekly updates but this is a new journey as I have never publicly documented my struggles before.

Until next time my friend.

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Renewal

Psalm 121

  I lift up my eyes to the hills; *
from where is my help to come?
  My help comes from the LORD, *
the maker of heaven and earth.
  He will not let your foot be moved *
and he who watches over you will not fall asleep.
  Behold, he who keeps watch over Israel *
shall neither slumber nor sleep;
  The LORD himself watches over you; *
the LORD is your shade at your right hand,
  So that the sun shall not strike you by day, *
nor the moon by night.
  The LORD shall preserve you from all evil; *
it is he who shall keep you safe.
  The LORD shall watch over your going out and your coming in, *
from this time forth for evermore.

It has been awhile since my last post. Quick update – my husband is less than a week from major surgery and my sweet Alexander fought hard for 8 long days before his lungs gave in. He is now my sweet Angel. For the past month, I have been doing everything in my power to hold everyone else up. The other day, I actually wondered why I wasn’t grieving. This morning, however, I realized that I am sinking fast. It was like a slap in the face. The realization that my depression is back in full force.

How is it that I should be helping everyone else through the crisis our lives have become when I can’t even take hold of my own emotions? My dear friend and her Keep Pushing motto must have been on board also because she revived a page that helped me greatly. I was thinking of her this morning also because if anyone can help get me on the path I need it would be her. She has done this all before.

Any day can be day 1. Today is my day 1. No more excuses. No more blaming others. No more blaming my circumstances. No more putting myself on the back burner. I cannot take care of others if I do not take care of myself. I need to get my workouts in each day in order to charge my batteries for that day. There is a direct correlation between physical fitness and mental healing. Many of my past blog posts document my link between nature walks and mental recharging.

Now, I need to take that indoors for the winter. I have taken many steps today to get on the right track. I will stay there. Not only for myself but for my husband and my children as well.

Just Breathe

Psalm 31:1-3
In you, LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

Eight very long days ago my husband and I sat in the doctor’s office for more than four hours learning more about bladder cancer than we had in the year and a half since his diagnosis. We left with 4 new appointments for testing and presurgery clearance. The truth has come down that after fighting for this long we will proceed with the bladder removal.

The next day our beautiful daughter gave birth to Alexander the warrior seventeen weeks early. In this corner, the warrior weighing in at almost one pound three ounces and in the other corner the fight of his tiny little life.

I’m not going to lie; with three kids at home, an angry cancer patient for a husband and a pregnant step-daughter on bed rest 24 miles away who needs help with dishes, housework and a over active two year old boy life was never dull.

This week, however, was certainly everything but dull. Our stress level has been shot through the roof and I even forgot about a church meeting the other night.

I trust in the Lord. I know the strength of our family. I know the strength of the prayer chains my Alex is a part of right now. I have no doubt he will grow to be a happy healthy child, teenager and adult.

I know my husband will rock this surgery and the long recovery to follow. Not only do we trust in the Lord but we stand by each other in sickness and health. I cannot imagine life without him.

So, for now I breathe. I breathe in the word of the Lord and I breathe out negativity. I breathe in the kind words of family and friends and breathe out the occasional meltdown (we all get them). I breathe in silence and breathe out the noise of anxiety. Because I not only believe in the Lord but I believe his word.

Say to those with fearful hearts, “Be strong do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.”

This weeks memory verse and motivation Monday.

Let’s face it, it’s Monday, enough said right? I woke up this morning with busy weekend hangover. I don’t drink. This is that Monday morning feeling you get when your weekend is less stop and more go. I was feeling queasy with a headache and oh so sluggish. I even told my hubby and kids that I was skipping the gym and going back to bed. Then I walked back through my house with eyes wide open. You all know what happens to your house with three teens and a weekend that is less stop and more go right? Enough said!

The best medicine for me at this point is a hot bath and a motivational video. My to do list is at least as long as my refrigerator. I need to get moving on it and gain control of my life again.

I am sitting in the waiting room of my former Physical Therapist which is now my gym waiting for my gym partner (love ya mom). A great workout is a good motivational kick in the can. When I get home I am going to tackle that to do list because no one else is going to.

Do not fear your fatigue. Power through and make it your day. The Lord will help you overcome. Little by little move through it and eventually sitting idle will become a thorn in your side. You may ask God for strength to get you through a tough day but if you choose to remain part of the bed all day how will know how much strength God gave to you?

I Am

“Be Strong, do not fear, your God will come,” Isaiah 35:4

Six years ago, I started this little blog thing to help others overcome some of the situations that shaped the person I have become.

In my lifetime I have overcome extreme bullying, date rape, sexual abuse and emotional and verbal abuse. As a survivor, who shares everything, it is very hard for me to sit by while someone very close to me displays “symptoms” of an unhealthy relationship.

Unless, you want to leave an abusive relationship you won’t. Even if you want to leave, sometimes you won’t because your abuser tells you he/she will kill themselves if you leave. If this is the case with you just know chances are this is just another game to get you to stay. Even on the off chance that they really might, that doesn’t make their death your fault. Only you can control your life unless you decide to let others make decisions for you.

As I sit in support of my loved ones through their trials, (if you think I’m talking about you please come to me and we will figure it out together), I wonder if this blog really works. If I can’t save those close to me from the same fate I endured why then must I believe in confidence and strength? Why must I spew endless facts about recognizing unhealthy relationships? If I am not part of your solution then what is the point of my passion for the last six years? I know you believe the lies you were told and until you see the light, you will not save yourself. Am I really making a difference?

The answer is YES!! YES, I AM!!!!

I am your belief that someone cares.

I am your sunshine in the storm.

I am the ship waiting for your trip to freedom.

I am enough and so are you!!

My Lord created me to be there for you and for others in your time of need. I do NOT doubt myself. (Romans 12:6)

You are loved more than you can ever know and I am here for you. Just reach out and you will find me.

Happy Anniversary

As I logged into my account today, I received an anniversary message. Seems I created this site six whole years ago today. I am not a famous blogger. I don’t even blog everyday. Shockingly enough, I even have friends who don’t even know I am a blog writer or an author at all.

To say, marketing isn’t my strong point is not just a shot in the dark. For the longest time, I didn’t even want people I know personally to know about this little hobby of mine. It’s not like it is making me any money. Then a couple years ago a friend of mine was struggling and I shared with her a blog post of mine and Oh! My Goodness! She read every post I have ever written. She told me how proud of me she was and she even started a blog of her own and she has soared to new heights.

My purpose is not to make millions of dollars off the voices in my head. My purpose is to help others who are struggling. I have been there time and time again. Every time I turn a corner there is a new mountain I need to climb.

So, today as I do my research to take my little blog to the next level, I have just two things to leave you with:

  1. Thank you to my 100 or so followers for always being there with a little silent encouragement.
  2. As you are dreaming today are you saying, “One day?” or are you saying “Day One!”

Faithfully Friday

Remember today that God loves you so much He sent His Son to pay the price for you. Everything He does is for your good. John 3:16

There are times in our lives that we feel unloved. We feel like we could disappear and no one would notice. That is simply untrue; you touch someone’s heart. You have parents that love you or you have friends that check up on you.

Take inventory of your day. Who is there with you? How would they react if you called with a problem. The world may seem bleak but basic human empathy is still in great supply. Call your friend, tell him or her that you need help chances are you will hear, “whatever you need”

I may not know you personally but email me, message me through the blog or check me out on Facebook and I will do my best to help anyone in need.

Live today and everyday like it is a gift from God because it is. How are you going to thank God for his gifts today?

Your emotions are YOURS!!!! Only you control them. If you allow other peoples words and actions to control your feelings, you will feel alone in this world. Not everyone in the world is going to like you and that is ok. Get to know the person God created you to be. Love who you are and live your life on purpose for the purpose in which you were created.

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